January was... weird.

I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who found January of 2017 to be very disorienting and difficult to get through. It was also a month of inspiring social movements in which we saw that passion and massive protests can actually get stuff done.

So I think it's fair to say that January was one hell of a weird month.

On Burnout and New Beginnings | Happy 2017

Hello there. It's been a while.

If you were following my 2016 Vlogmas videos and wondered why I suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, my deepest apologies. It would be easy to blame the busy season or the fact that I didn't start prepping for the month far enough in advance, but in all honesty, I have no excuse.

To put it simply, I just hit creative burnout.

This is something I've experienced a few times before, once when I tried a month long drawing challenge and another time when I spent two straight weeks frenetically writing chapters of a manuscript I still haven't finished. Back then, it felt almost like physically hitting a wall, like these projects were a rock that I'd brought so close to the top of the hill, only to have them roll back and crush me down.

Both of these previous burnouts left me unable to pick up a pen or even look at my computer for weeks. I remember reading a lot, listening to a lot of music, and vegging out at night with bad police procedurals on tv.

This Vlogmas-induced creative burnout, however, was different. Maybe this was a natural reaction to twenty plus straight days staring at my own face and trying to wrangle some sort of coherence and meaning out of my ramblings, but I couldn't force myself to make another video if my life depeneded on it. I normally feel some resistance to editing what I've filmed; maybe I just don't have a strong enough narcissistic streak to enjoy hours of listening to my own voice. This time, I couldn't even compel myself to prefilm footage to edit at a later date.

But where I was expecting to feel listless and disheartened, I discovered a real, intense desire to create. It's honestly been years since I've felt such strong creative inspiration and I've tried to let myself flow with that feeling. I've had a rash of new ideas that have me excited about writing and storytelling again and, for the first time in years, I found myself compelled to take another crack at poetry. It's probably not very good poetry as I don't have the patience to sit and craft something intricate, subtle, or polished. But it is a genuine rush of expressive energy, equivalent to Whitman's untranslatable, barbaric yawp.

Who knows, maybe I'll share it with you all one day.

So have I given up on creating videos? No; in fact, later this morning I plan on filming for the first time since December. But I also plan on cutting back on video content if that means being able to explore more varied avenues of creative expression.

Now, this might read like an entirely self-indulgent post, an overly-dramatic way of saying "I failed at Vlogmas because I wasn't feeling inspired." Maybe it is. But it is also my way of closing the chapter on 2016. Last year brought out both the best and the worst in people and I think that in times of turbulence when hope is very much a small, flicking thing, it is easy to lose your way creatively. It is easy to question what the heck we do anything for when the world seems like such a fractured and unhealable place.

At times like this, I think it is entirely appropriate to step back, to stop doing what you think you should be doing and take the time to get right with yourself. Take the time to sort yourself out so that when you get back to working, creating, or leading you can do so with fullness of intention and passion of spirit. Because in the coming years, we're going to need everyone, and especially those creators who are capable of making great, moving, and discussion-inspiring work to be at the top of their games.

Happy 2017, everyone.

Q&A: The Answers

When I first put out a call for questions, I was slightly concerned I wouldn't get enough to actually make a video. Then when I finally got around to answering the questions I got, I talked for nearly an hour! So, to make a long story short, I tried to edit this down into an easily digestible little video and failed miserably.

Hope you enjoy anyways!

On Being Biracial

Yesterday I put up one of the most personal videos I've made thus far, about my experience growing up as part of a multiracial family. Unsurprisingly, it wasn't the most popular video and I did experience a slight drop-off of subscribers and got my first dislike in a while. But I'm glad I did it, because I know how much of a difference it would have made for me growing up if I had known there were more mixed race people out there.

Thanks to those of you who have left really interesting, kind comments.

A Life Update

Growing up, we hear a lot of "Be kind to each other." But we all seem to forget that it's important to be kind to ourselves as well! Sometimes, all that really means is being honest about where you are mentally and cutting yourself a break.

Life Is Ordinary

Rose of the Sea [Original Fiction]

Rose of the Sea

There are little girls in the ocean, my grandma said.

They live in castles of twisted seaweed and breathe through their toes, buried deep in wet sand. Their mirrors are made of sea glass, worn smooth in the arms of the waves, their hair curls of muted green and dazzling blue.

When you hear a seal bark, she said, that’s their call to come home.

My grandma was born of the ocean, a rare Rose of the Sea. Every day we visited her mother and she stepped in up to her ankles before melting away.

I sat on the beach and watched for her, trying not to blink. Sometimes I managed to catch a glimpse of her silver hair as she passed back into our world from the sea.

She swam like a fish, like she was one of the those little ocean girls who had grown up and somehow gotten lost on the land. She’d grown up, had a family, stumbled along through life living happily enough. But in the ocean she remembered who she was and transformed into the water she was meant to be.

She sometimes asked me to join her, but I never did. I was scared of those little girls. I didn’t want them to laugh at my awkwardness, because I was a child of land.

So I sat on the beach and played in the sand, a daughter of the earth whose grandma was a fish and a flower of the sea. I collected shells and feathers and bits of broken sea glass. I dug holes so deep I reached other worlds . I met a man who I thought was a tree come to life because his skin was so worn and so brown. Grandma explained he was a man who was in love with the sun and I guess I thought that was okay.

After a while my grandma would find the strength to say goodbye to her mother, to reform her human body and step back on the ground. She was a mermaid who picked legs over fins because she knew she would be back tomorrow. She would come sit with me on the sand, grains sticking to her wet legs, and ask me what I had found. Sometimes I had grand treasures to share, sometimes nothing special. She never seemed to mind.

There are little girls in the ocean, my grandma said.

They live in castles of twisted seaweed and when one of their sisters comes home, they throw a grand party. They gather all the crabs they can find and put them straight to work, separating out only the softest and most beautiful grains of sand to pad their sister’s steps. The seagulls are their helpers, keeping watch over the skies and the clouds at bay while the ocean glimmers in the sun. The seals and sea lions come together to bear their sister, should she have forgotten how to swim.

My grandma was born of the ocean, a rare Rose of the Sea. There she swims with the little girls, their prodigal sister come back home to stay.

2016 Resolutions

Happy New everyone! Am I the only one who finds it seriously hard to believe that it's already 2016?Now for my favorite part of the new year: setting goals for the year. I was fairly successful with my 2015 resolutions and thought that maybe I should be a little bit more ambitious this year.

1. Do yoga every day.
I came really close to achieving this in 2015 and it was a no-brainer to add it to this year's list of resolutions. Yoga makes me feel better in my body, stronger, and more mentally ready to face whatever life has to throw at me that day. And if how crappy I feel when not regularly practicing yoga isn't a good enough motivator, I don't know what will be.

2. Read 50 books.
I only read 28 books in 2015, but I hope this year will be the year I conquer the 50 book Goodreads challenge. This is my first year out of school, which should mean that I have far more time for reading.

3. Write something new every week.
Over the last couple of years, I have fallen into the bad habit of writing in spurts and have been unable to sustain any good writing schedule or habit. As I learned during this past NaNoWriMo, waiting to write until you're in the perfect head space isn't effective in the slightest and I hope that by trying to write more consistently, I can break myself of this habit.

4. Practice Japanese for half an hour every day.
By now it should be pretty obvious that I am very interested in all things Japan, from their culture and history to modern Japanese fiction. I studied Japanese from elementary school through high school and was almost fluent conversationally when I completed my last class. In the years since, I have forgotten much of my Japanese and although I did start working on relearning the language last year, in 2016 I want to take these studies more seriously. In a perfect world, I would re-achieve conversational Japanese by the end of the year.

5. Blog and Vlog regularly.
With the exception of some planned absences, I actually did quiet well with this one in 2015. I won't set a specific posting goal (i.e. one video a week and three blog posts), but I do hope to remain organized, plan ahead, and find a schedule that is flexible enough to actually work.

6. Finish Outcasts.
This is the manuscript I started writing during NaNoWriMo this November. While I've made some progress on it since then, I would like to have a completed and edited manuscript sent out to agents this year. A better working title might also be necessary!

7. Be brave. Push yourself out of your comfort zone.
And now we've come to the more abstract resolutions. This is something that I definitely did not do enough of in 2015 and really need to work on in the coming year. Especially now that I am no longer in a university setting where I am forced to be bolder and more social, I really need to actively seek ways to put myself out there more.

8. Communicate better and more frequently.
For someone who has four different email accounts and is active on several different social media platforms, I am really bad about keeping in contact with people outside my immediate vicinity. I have known this for years and have decided that 2016 is officially the year where I'm going to change that.

9. Be more kind.
This one is pretty self explanatory. While I am by no means a vicious person, I do think trying to go into each day with a more empathetic mindset will never be a bad thing. Like they say, be the change (or, in this case, kindness) you want to see in the world.

10. Breathe.
This one might seem really airy-fairy, but I think it really relates to all of the above. I tend to get anxious really quickly when I have a lot to accomplish or when things don't seem to be going my way. So by remembering to take a minute and breathe, I think I can remind myself to be more mindful, more kind, and more open to whatever life has to offer.

There you have it, my resolutions for 2016. Let me know some of your resolutions and keep an eye out for my bookish resolutions!

24 Facts About Me

Life Changes... And Goes On

Why, hello there! It's been a while.

The last two months have been interesting, to say the least. I made a couple of big life decisions and moved, again. I won't really go into it here because that's not what this blog is about, but I will say that I feel lighter, happier, and like my life is moving in the right direction again.

This greater life change has inspired me to be more honest with myself and make the corresponding changes to other areas of my life. And that includes making some changes to this blog.

I had a lot of fun writing beauty and lifestyle posts but ultimately, that's not what I'm passionate about or enjoy discussing. "They" say to write what you know, so I've decided to convert this over to a blog about books and reading. I will be keeping some of my current features, such as monthly favorites and #YearOfMiyazaki, but for the most part my content will completely transition over to be more in line with my YouTube channel.

It may seem a little dramatic to dedicate an entire post to this transition, especially given that I have a very small audience at this point, so I'll cut myself off now. All you really need to know is that some things will be disappearing and in the future there will be less skincare, and more books.

Wishing you all clarity of mind and happy reading.

Marisa

2015 Resolutions

I know most people share their resolutions at the very beginning of the year, but I like to take the first couple of weeks of the new year to really think about what changes I want to make in my life. I find that when I really take the time to think about a resolution and maybe even give it a little test run, I'm far more likely to actually stick to it. So now that I've taken a little bit of time to decide what I want to accomplish in 2015, I'm finally ready to share!

1. Be more productive and procrastinate less.
This is the one resolution that has been on my list for the past few years and that I'm unfortunately still having a hard time with. I've always been a bit of procrastinator, but I got really bad my last few years of undergrad and still haven't managed to kick the habit. Hopefully this year will be the year I can get those procrastination tendencies under control. As I keep telling myself, if I learn to use my time more productively, I will be less stressed out and have more time to do things that I actually want to do.

2. Be more punctual.
I'm happy to report that I'm actually doing really well with this resolution! Similarly to how I seem to be a natural procrastinator, my natural arrival time is always late. I remember being like this even as a kid, but the older I've gotten the more I've realized just how bad of a habit and how rude it is. So I've been making a really active effort to get out of the house earlier than I would normally find necessary and am actually enjoying arriving to class without feeling rushed and frantic.


3. Read 30 books.
For the past two years, I've attempted the Goodreads 50 Book Reading Challenge and sadly have yet to complete it. Because of my school work load, I highly doubt that I'll be able to complete the 50 Book Challenge this year either, so instead I've decided that reading 30 books will be both a challenge and yet much easier to achieve.

4. Do one art project a month.
If I had my way, I would stay home every day from class and just paint and draw the day away; unfortunately, I have a lot of other things I'm supposed to be doing! So I've decided to set a goal of one art project a month because as much as I need to be more productive, I also think it's important to make time for creative releases.

5. Do yoga every day.
I've been practicing yoga on and off since I went off to college and I do not know if I can explain how much of a difference regular practice makes in my every day life. Not only does it serve to stretch out and tone my body, but I also find that yoga is a fantastic stress reliever and mood lifter. I'm also not a fan of "working out" or going to the gym, so I love that all I really need to practice yoga is a yoga mat and YouTube. Almost all of the yoga routines I do are created by the amazing Tara Stiles and you can access them all on her YouTube channel.

6. Blog and vlog regularly.
This is another resolution I've actually been doing fairly well with so far! Not only do I have so much fun creating both posts for this blog and videos for my YouTube channel, but I find that incorporating these activities more regularly into my schedule keeps me focused. I've always been most productive when I have a lot to accomplish and really need to use my time wisely. In undergrad, for example, I was most productive the year that I was taking the max amount of credits and working two jobs. So by trying to be really consistent with both creating posts and videos, I can fill in my schedule and almost trick myself into being more productive and procrastinating less. As weird as that all may sound, it's actually starting to work!

What were some things included in your New Year's resolutions?